Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christmas party, 1967.

Enough of that filth!
Remember when your family was still young and your parents had friends who, like your parents, also suddenly burst forth with three or four children and gatherings always seemed to have a ratio of four adults to roughly twenty rowdy, hopped-up kids? I remember those days (not fondly).

Looks like the formula for success (and by "success" I mean no fatal injuries) was the same in 1967 as in my day, and your day - our day. Scroll on...

First, identify the most needy child (might also be the youngest).
Locate one or two children who are unlikely to harm the needy one and designate them as responsible for the baby's entertainment (and guardians). Bribes of exclusive toys/costumes can help. Also mittens prevent eye loses.
Shortly after discovering Raggedy Ann and Andy playing with each other's raggedy privates and ignoring their ward, suspend baby from a doorway to prevent wandering and enable unsupervised safety.
Diner almost ready? Swat away filthy children touching adult food.
Move baby again, feed baby.
Segregate boys to a festive yet unfinished (and therefore less able to be damaged) area of the basement. Feed them microwaveable hamburgers (to show off the amazing new device called 'micro-wave oven').
Let them go ape-shit until someone starts crying.
Try to enjoy your meal, you have five minutes before you have to return to the screaming. An appropriate act of charity would be to allow the eldest girl to sit at the adults' table. This will serve you well in the future, by keeping her away from the mayhem downstairs, you will easily trick her into babysitting those animals later on. Consider it an investment.

More vintage Christmas to come. Stay sane, everyone.

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